thinker's thoughts

I am a steady, very happy, life-loving person. But, today I am having one of those days, where you can't stop thinking. I am a thinker. There really isn't a day that goes by without analyzing and thinking about things you think you've figured it out, but then you start thinking again. Today is just especially bad. I've mulled these thoughts over and over in my head, making sense of them, then being confused all over again. My conundrum is the comfort, the ease, yet the utter monotony that is my life at the moment.

Wake up. Eat breakfast. Get Ready. Be to work by 9. Sit at my computer and design. Get home around 5:30. Eat dinner. Meet up with my friends. Hang out. Be in bed by 11-ish. Repeat.

I feel as though I am unwillingly becoming the quintessential "adult", eagerly anticipating the weekend. I've made it to Thursday. This means there's only one day left until Friday. Freedom looms nearby. Options and decisions come my way of how to spend my precious time in 2 days of liberty.

It's not that I dislike my job. I enjoy it. I am doing what I love to do - designing. But it's the MONOTONY of it. The do it over and over again. I feel like my creativity is stifled because I end up doing things that are easy or repetitive.

I can't do repetitive anymore. I want something new. An adventure. An opportunity to express my thoughts and creativity without holding back. I want to see and explore the world and document it, make art, write and learn new things. I feel like there is so much that I could be doing with my life, but I am sitting here doing nothing about it. I feel trapped, yet I shouldn't because I am free to do what I want. What is holding me back?

The human nature that likes comfort and stability? The changes in people close to me? My struggles with accepting major changes and being brave enough to go for something new? The intimidation of the "real world"? My attachment to my family? The fact that I feel as though I am still a child living at my home, yet think and reason as would a mature person, yet I feel far from being a legitimate "adult"?

I miss the innocence, carelessness and playfulness as a child, yet yearn for a place to call my own, to decorate, a pet to take care of, food to buy and meals to cook. I miss the excitement of falling love, yet have a wonderful relationship and utter loyalty to my boyfriend. I love the comfort of this town and place, yet want to experience life, people and culture elsewhere.

I feel stuck between childhood and adulthood, not knowing where I fit in, what to do next. I have so many options. I have my whole life ahead of me. I know it's time that I need to move out and on. It's time to decide ... what to do, where to go, ...

But really, does anyone ever figure this out entirely?